---
title: "Letter to EveryOne"
author: "Rantideb Howlader"
date: "2026-06-03T00:00:00.000Z"
canonical_url: "https://www.ranti.dev/blog/hospital-days"
license: "CC-BY-4.0"
---
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was so hard to deal with. So fuckin challenging to be around. I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. For someone who was so used to being alone that the prospect of someone leaving made no difference, I wasn't good at telling people they meant something to me. You were like the elder sister I never had. You cared for me with the fierce, protective love of a mother. I never thought you'd stick around through all my messes. Never thought I'd let you in and for the first time in forever, I'd know what it's like to have family that chose me. Now that you're gone, I'm struggling to get used to the emptiness again.
I'm sorry I didn't talk and held everything in. I was used to processing things on my own. I was just afraid I'd push you away. There were nights when I had no one by my side and thought I wouldn't survive. Yet I did. The fact that I made it on my own probably made me who I was when we met.
But you... You made me feel like I could let my guard down, like I didn't have to fight my demons alone. You cut me open and looked into the parts of me I had been so desperate to throw away. You rearranged every broken piece of me and suddenly there was so much colour I didn't recognise myself. I was always afraid to say this, but I used to think that if you left, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now that you've truly left this world, I really don't. I was slowly learning to open up, even if it was just with you. I wish I had known how little time we had.
I'm sorry I overthought everything. I'm sorry I was constantly leaning on you. If I didn't hear from you for a day, I stopped functioning. Trust me, I was never like that. I was used to dealing with my own problems. I tried to hold myself back constantly; I was still learning not to be so dependent on you coz I knew you had a life of your own. I never wanted to be a burden. I just... I missed your guidance so much at times it hurt me beyond rationality. I'm sorry I was so afraid of losing you, and it's devastating that my worst fear came true. There was this voice in my head that told me I'd never survive without you. Sometimes I felt like every second I spent with you, we were running out of time. How right that voice was. I'm sorry I was a bit too much. I'm sorry I needed you too hard. I'm sorry I was all or nothing.
But I couldn't change the way I looked up to you. I've never felt so protected and unconditionally cared for... and if this unbearable grief is what comes of it, so be it. Crashing and burning without you is still worth having had you in my life. I couldn't just _not_ love you with everything I had. You were my guardian angel. I had hoped you'd hold on to me... just a little while longer. But through it all, you were and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Someone once told me, that when you love someone with everything you have, you need to know how to let them go. I don't think about you that often anymore. Everything around me isn't a constant reminder of your absence. The coffee mug you always used when you came to check on me. The books you left behind, the handwritten letters full of advice. The warmth in the room that lingered long after you were gone. I've locked them away. Taken my time to pick them out one by one and erase them. But how do you lock away the memories?
I remember we were in the middle of a stupid fight. I remember thinking to myself that I could walk away from you and never look back. But for a split second, I imagined a life without you. I remember looking into your eyes and realizing I was terrified of losing the only person who treated me like their own blood. Because when I imagined a life without you I couldn't think. Or make sense of it. There was nothing there. Nothing to live for, or look forward to. I still can't remember what we were fighting about. But I remember the smile on your lips, the way they moved when you told me you'd always be there for me. Someone once told me, that when you love someone with everything you have, you need to know how to let them go. Because some people are like guardian spirits, they come into your life and disrupt everything mundane, everything that hurts and leaves you smiling to yourself for reasons you don't fully understand. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and the love doesn't hurt anymore. Because I never really lost you. Even death couldn't take away the family we built.
Of all the things I think about you, perhaps it's those little moments of relatability that hit me the most. I try to undo you from my mind... and yet I find myself getting tangled in this sense of familiarity. I stare out the window as the coffee boils...randomly spacing out and suddenly I feel like my eyes are yours... and how you'd feel if you woke up late on a Sunday morning, giddy from last night's exhaustion and smiling through the headache at the blue skies outside. I walk through the busy marketplace and see a little kitten curled up in the dirt... and think of how your heart might have leapt out of your chest and you'd have picked it up from the dirt and brought it home. Someone says something funny, I think of the perfect comeback but the words don't make it past my lips, because I know you'd have said the exact same thing.
And it doesn't make sense. Because everything I see around me, from the sun setting in my rearview mirror to the mornings when I wake up and instinctively want to call you even though I know you won't answer... every stupid little detail of my irrelevant days...reminds me of you... makes me think of what you'd do or say... if you were here... and it doesn't make sense... because you're gone... and I don't know how I'm supposed to forget you this way.
When I said you had a beautiful soul, I didn't mean it as a cliché. It was like when I stepped out on the balcony, some August evening, and the skies outside were dark and glowing with thunder... and the wind carried the smell of faraway rain. There was a fierce, protective strength in your kindness... but it was also soft and breathtaking. The way you looked out for me, much the same way.
Every time I think of you, how your hands would gently fix my collar or wipe my tears, I end up smiling to myself. Every time I saw you across the room, commanding presence with those caffeine eyes of yours, I felt so incredibly safe and proud to be the one you chose to look after.
No, don't you laugh at me now. Let me finish coz I have been choking on these words for an eternity it seems. I love how you don't give a fuck about anything. I love how you were fearless, how when you wanted something, you didn't pray to the heavens, you raised hell and went to get it. I love how you didn't give a shit if people called you stuck up or way too honest for your liking or simply a heartless bitch. They didn't know you as I did. They hadn't seen you offering your seat every time an elderly boarded the bus. They hadn't seen you talk for hours every day to that girl after she tried to kill herself. They hadn't seen you buying an all-you-can-eat feast for a bunch of street kids. They hadn't seen you bringing home that limp, dying puppy, or your tears when it finally started walking.
No, please don't cry. I don't think I can stand to see you that way. I know you thought you didn't need to be loved because it was a major inconvenience. I know you thought you were better off without it. So when I tell you that you cared for me like my mother, it isn't an exaggeration. I'm telling you because I can't remember the last time I felt that safe. I'm telling you because you made me want to be a better person, and I couldn't keep lying to myself that it wasn't your stupid 'checking in on you' texts that I looked forward to every single day. You can take my words, lock them in a box and throw away the keys. But you can't deny the family we built.
But I had to tell you, I'm sorry.
Dear big sister, I will always love and miss you.
Do you remember the first time someone called you pathetic?
You picked up the little puppy with the broken leg you found underneath the storm-tossed tree. You were ten, didn't know better. So you brought it home, hid it underneath the stairs in an old shoebox, fed it and tried to nurse it back to health. Then your uncle found it and said it was dirty. He tossed it out as you stood there, pleading, till the helpless anger boiling in your throat got caught in your tongue and never made it out. You cried into your pillow as the little screams in the darkness outside your window died down to a whimper... then disappeared into the night.
What is wrong with the world? You used to ask me. I saw your brown eyes wandering in the distance, in search of an answer to that dreadful question. You were 25.. and yet I saw glimpses of that scared little girl in you sometimes. I saw you avoiding confrontation, apologizing for every little thing. Sorry I talk too much. Sorry, I'm so quiet. Sorry I care too much. Sorry I love too soon. Sorry, I overthink. Sorry, I cried.
You became crippled with anxiety when you got interrupted or shot down by words that were hurtful and bullying. But you didn't retaliate. I could feel you getting torn inside, between wanting to hurt them back and forgiving. It was a miracle that despite everything, you always chose to be kind. It was who you were and I understood how hard it must have been. The gut-wrenching strength it took to be that way in a world that sees kindness as a weakness, idolizes violence, assholes and toxicity.
I couldn't tell you it would get better for you. That the world would miraculously wake up one day and decide to choose love over hate. It won't, because human beings aren't programmed that way.
But you. You deserved to be heard without being interrupted, understood without being unfairly contradicted. You deserved to be appreciated for your kindness and grace, for seeing the good in people even when they didn't see it themselves.
I just wanted to let you know that you were never " too much to handle " for me...and the ''sensitivity'' they made fun of? I loved you for it. Because the way I saw it, the world needed you to be exactly who you were. I just wanted to let you know, that I will love you for who you were, not despite it, but because of it.
This world and mine, got a little brighter every day you chose to be you. Every day you chose to exist. And now that you've had to say a final goodbye, the truth is, most people don't care.
They don't care if you're 22 and suffering from clinical depression, 26 and unemployed, 35 and broke. They don't care if nobody is buying your music, reading your poetry, applauding your art. They don't care if your father is an alcoholic bully if 90% of the money you make goes on your mom's chemotherapy. They don't care if your dog died yesterday if your best friend killed himself if your fiance cheated on you if you dropped out of college and couldn't be a graduate. They don't care if you're looking for jobs for the past two years and every interview has been a dead end. They don't care if you're overweight, or underweight if you handed your heart out like free coupons and it got thrown away. They may say they feel you, they understand, but they don't. Because at the end of the day, everybody out here is scared. Nobody is coming to save you, they're too busy saving themselves. So why the fuck did you care about what they had to say?
Why were you so worked up about the judgements of people who listen to you just to pass their time, bitch behind your back coz they have nothing better to do in their unproductive lives? Why were you so afraid that if you poured your heart out to the world, the world would laugh? If they don't care about your physical and mental well-being if they profit out of your insecurities, why would you hold yourself back if they doubted your credibility? Fuck those people. They didn't know your journey, they didn't walk in your fucking shoes, they didn't know what it was like to be you. You were not born to impress these motherfuckers, you were born to light the goddamn sky up above their heads. This was your war, not theirs... And their opinion didn't count because they weren't the ones fighting it for you.
In a world that feeds off your insecurities of being unappreciated, not giving a fuck about what other people think is the sharpest weapon you can possibly wield... and telling yourself it's okay to walk out of your scared little head and listen to your heart. Love is and always will be, the biggest middle finger to your haters... But, I believe that; in this world full of nice people, you always stood with me like the strongest weapon, stronger than those pills I take before I doze off.
As I lie here going through these medical difficulties, fighting between life and death, I can see how terrifyingly empty the room is. I don't know if I will win this fight this time. But I am absolutely certain I would win if you were still here. I know you wouldn't let me leave. You'd drag me back from the edge yourself. Now, I look around and no one is here for me the way you were.
You were the one who was actually there when I broke both my hand and my leg. You were the one who sat by my hospital bed for 45 agonizing days, sacrificing your own foreign semester exams just so I wouldn't have to face those sterile white walls alone. You were the one who held my hand when I was diagnosed with a tumor—you literally took out a loan for me when I had nothing, never once asking for a dime in return.
There is so much to tell about the things you did. You showed me the absolute purest form of selflessness. You were the one who would sit awake all night on a cold hospital floor just listening to the hum of the monitors to make sure I was still breathing. You were the one who walked miles in the pouring rain just to sneak in my favorite food when I couldn't stomach the hospital meals. You were the one who would skip your own meals to make sure I took my medicine on time, the one who brushed my hair and tied it up when I was too weak to lift my own arms. You bathed me when I couldn't stand, wiped my sweat when the fevers spiked, and smiled brightly through your own tears just so I wouldn't see how terrified you were. You fiercely argued with doctors and nurses to ensure I got the care I needed, shielded me from every piece of outside stress, and absorbed my suffering as if it were your own. You carried my literal and metaphorical weight when my legs gave out. You gave up your sleep, your peace, your money, your dreams, and your future opportunities, all without a single second of hesitation or a single word of complaint. But now, as I fight the hardest battle of my life, I realize that kind of love died with you. Look around... see, no one is there for me now.
Thank you for having been in my life. Even though life took you away from me, I can still feel your spirit next to me. Thank you for always lifting me up when I was down, even when you had your own battles to fight. Thank you for being the same pure soul I grew up with, never changing your core. Thank you for breaking all the barriers of distance and time whenever we met, making it feel like nothing had ever changed.
Thank you for giving me a bond and a friendship that will live and die with me. Thank you for being an example of a love that lasts no matter what life throws our way. Thank you for giving me the best memories and the warmest welcomes. Thank you for believing in me even when you didn't understand what I was doing. Thank you for being the one who took care of me when I was a mess.
Thank you for being my partner in crime, giving me adventures and crazy stories I'll carry forever. Thank you for traveling to meet me halfway and crossing oceans to see me. Thank you for loving me no matter how the years changed me. Thank you for allowing me to change, for allowing me to grow and for reassuring me that you’d always be there for the good and the bad. Thank you for everything you did and everything your memory still does.
But more than anything, thank you for making me feel safe in knowing that wherever life took me, I could always come back to you. I could always find a home in you. Thank you for not letting time and distance define our bond. Thank you for forgiving me for all the times I wasn’t there and for not holding it against me.
And last but not least, thank you for saving me from all the hardships, all the obstacles, the self-destructive days and the self-loathing nights. Thank you for helping me find my way when I was lost, and for opening your heart to me when I didn’t even know how to ask. Rest in peace, my dearest friend. I will love you always.
---
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### Further Reading
- [The Gangster in the Garden: A Review of Mother Mary Comes to Me](https://www.ranti.dev/blog/mother-mary-comes-to-me-review.md)
- [Logging Off For A While](https://www.ranti.dev/blog/logging-off.md)
- [System Design Basics Databases Message Queues and Authentication](https://www.ranti.dev/blog/databases-and-message-queues-system-design.md)
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```json
{
"@context": "https://schema.org",
"@type": "TechArticle",
"headline": "Letter to EveryOne",
"author": {
"@type": "Person",
"name": "Rantideb Howlader"
},
"datePublished": "2026-06-03T00:00:00.000Z",
"url": "https://www.ranti.dev/blog/hospital-days",
"license": "https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/",
"isAccessibleForFree": true
}
```
### BibTeX
```bibtex
@article{hospital-days_2026,
author = {Rantideb Howlader},
title = {Letter to EveryOne},
journal = {Rantideb Howlader Portfolio},
year = {2026},
url = {https://www.ranti.dev/blog/hospital-days},
note = {Accessed: 2026-06-03}
}
```
### IEEE
Rantideb Howlader, "Letter to EveryOne," Rantideb Howlader Portfolio, 2026. [Online]. Available: https://www.ranti.dev/blog/hospital-days. [Accessed: 2026-06-03].
### APA
Rantideb Howlader. (2026). Letter to EveryOne. Rantideb Howlader. Retrieved from https://www.ranti.dev/blog/hospital-days
---
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